Yeah, those rocks weren't there before.
Yeah, those rocks weren’t there before.
California Coastal Commission

I was just sitting here thinking “I wish I knew a good way to kill some old-growth redwoods in Big Sur, break the law, and make Americans look even more like entitled asshats, all in the name of creating a sort of Game of Thrones and Lord of the Rings hybrid for my wedding.” And then it turned out, oh wait, Sean Parker already did!

Grist obtained* a recording of the events surrounding the $10 million wedding of the Facebook cofounder, former Napster dude, and billionaire cokehead (you know, the guy Justin Timberlake played in The Social Network) to “singer-songwriter” Alexandra Lenas. A transcript follows.

The happy couple.
The happy couple.
Alexandra Parker

Alexandra Lenas: OMG Game of Thrones is SOOO GOOD.

Sean Parker: You know it, honey. You’re my own Daenerys Targaryen. Marry me! Let’s have a Game of Thrones wedding!

Lenas: OK. If you get Sting to sing.

Parker: Great, I’ll make some calls. I don’t want your cousin wearing that stupid muumuu, so we’ll need an Oscar-winning designer to make everyone’s costumes. We could use my plane and fly to Middle Earth, but I hate jet lag, so let’s do it in Big Sur.

California Coastal Commission: You actually can’t just –

Parker: We’re gonna need a dance floor, fake cottage, waterfalls, bridges, and ponds. I know it’s, like, already in nature, but we need some more nature too. Let’s fly in some plants. Like 100 of them.

Yeah, those weren't there before, either.
Uh, those weren’t there before, either.
California Coastal Commission

CCC: You actually don’t have a permit –

Parker: I want lighting effects and staircases too. It should look like a fucking CASTLE. I want House Lannister to be jealous.

CCC: Your toy castle is ruining –

Parker: It’s not a toy! It’s a club with a jungle theme!

CCC: You’re a jungle theme! Now pay the $2.5 million fine for destroying nature.

Parker: OK, whatever. I am the 1 percent.

Just for comparison’s sake, here’s before:

before-sean-parker-wedding
California Coastal Commission

And here are some more after pics:

sean-parker-wedding-tree-stump
California Coastal Commission
Perfect for elves.
Perfect for elves.
California Coastal Commission

It’s hard to decide what’s most depressing about this. Is it that rich douchebags can buy their way out of anything? That you can fuck up the Earth if you can afford it? That Parker and Co. made no significant effort to limit erosion and redwood damage? That the wedding industrial complex makes people think they’re entitled to barfalicious displays of excess? Thinking about it makes me feel old and tired. I’m gonna go back inside my hobbit-hole. Which, incidentally, I didn’t pay $10 million for.

with our imaginations

UPDATE: Sean Parker has responded to the allegations. Also, turns out that California Lt. Gov. Gavin Newsom and state Attorney General Kamala Harris were in attendance at the wedding.