Glenn Beck spoon
“Use CFLs and I will disembowel you with THIS SPOON!”

In a perplexing (or not that perplexing given that it’s Glenn Beck) announcement, everyone’s favorite right-wing nutjob orders a female staffer to send out a memo throughout his entire kingdom decreeing a zero-tolerance policy for CFLs, of all things. Watch:

“I’m dead serious,” the ever-charming Beck vows. “I fire the person that starts to purchase fluorescent lightbulbs, UNLESS that is the only lightbulb for a very specific reason, and I want to be CC’d on what that reason is.” Um … is saving $92 and 460 kilowatt-hours of energy specific enough for ya?

I guess not, because then Beck resorts to some classic nonsensical blanket statements. “If anyone does anything in this company because of global warming, they’re fired,” he says. (What if they, like, sweat because of global warming? OR DROWN?) He goes on to say, naturally, that global warming is “a load of socialist, communist crap.” I guess if science weren’t socialist, you’d get to vote on it? Then again, 70 percent of Americans think climate change is real. Possibly what Glenn Beck wants is totalitarian science.

Le sigh. The short version is, don’t let Glenn Beck see any more recyclable spoons, because winter TOTALLY disproves global warming.