A definitely real and accurate portrayal of how Gwyneth serves food at home.
A definitely real and accurate portrayal of how Gwyneth serves food at home.
Eva / El Hormiguero TV

While I’ve always been impressed with Gwyneth Paltrow’s dedication to what goes into her body/temple, and it’s always made me feel like there’s hope for this planet if someone who can afford to eat gold-plated giant panda if she wants to just eats vegetables and eschews red meat, I’ve never had that “Wow, OK, you’re a PERFECT eater” feeling about her I really wanted to have. First of all, she’s always like, “Sugar is so terrible for you, unless it’s in wine!” And second of all, she’s 40. So even if she eats really healthy now, she had her entire life to eat disgusting food, plus Jamie Oliver made her eat a hamburger just a few months ago.

But her daughter, Apple, on the other hand, is only 8, and she is such a perfect eater that toxins just fall right out of her. Apparently she refuses to eat meat, just flat-out refuses, how adorable is that? Her perfection is so awe-inspiring to me that when I do a guided meditation, and I’m asked to go to a place of perfection, I invariably always go right to Apple Martin’s intestines.

So imagine my horror to read that Apple not only likes to eat junk food, but that when she does — when Gwyneth lets her — she eats frickin’ Flamin’ Hot Cheetos. The food that is so addictive that schools are banning it. The food that makes parents think their kids have blood in their poop. What’s going to happen to my place of perfection now?

I’m begging you, Gwyneth. I know you think it makes you look less obsessive and crazy to give your kids a vacation from brown rice and vegetables. But what about us? In a world where Apple Martin eats Flamin’ Hot Cheetos, what can we believe in?