whopper_biking

Americans, we get it — you want to ride your bike, like we keep telling you to, but you’re hampered by the fast-food burgers you’re double-fisting. Well, your long nightmare is over, because Burger King has introduced (in Puerto Rico only) the hands-free Whopper-holding device. Finally, you can enjoy active hobbies without having to endure the emotional pain of not stuffing a burger in your face every minute of the day.

This device works for everyone. If you like to ride a bike, it keeps your hands free. If you’re a more typical American, it makes sure you don’t accidentally get any exercise by lifting the burger to your mouth. The only catch? There were only 50 made, and Burger King already gave them out to loyal customers to celebrate 50 years of the chain’s incursion into Puerto Rico. And even if you muster up the energy to fight someone for them, they’ll clearly have the advantage:

whopper_boxing

Whereas you’ll be hindered and distracted by trying to hold burgers with your boxing gloves.

Probably the best way to deal with this is to get our greatest minds on the problem, and have someone invent a more widely available, maybe even improved alternative (this one actually seems a bit clumsy, and how do you eat more than half the burger? You’d obviously have to buy twice as many). If only it were easier to do experimental engineering with burgers in both fists.

UPDATE: You can stop worrying about having to box someone while they’re eating a hands-free burger — Burger King now says that no hands-free Whopper devices were actually produced. “The video featuring a ‘hands-free’ Whopper Sandwich holder was produced by an agency in Puerto Rico to celebrate the brand and the iconic Whopper Sandwich in a humorous way. However, the product depicted in the spot was not produced, or distributed to guests as some reports indicate,” says the company. This is sort of disappointing, but also sort of encouraging, since it is a terrible idea.