A reason to go on until December 17.
A reason to go on until Dec. 17.

It’s McRib season, bitches! And this year there’s more on the line than your annual intake of demoralized sad pigs and azodicarbonamide, which is used to make gym mats and shoes. This time, it’s all about saving McDonald’s bacon.

You know how we’re still in that recession that Obama caused, because he is a commie? Well, even McDonald’s is not immune. Profits are floundering. The head of U.S. operations stepped down. Between Taco Bell and Wendy’s and etc., etc., etc., there’s just a hell of a lot of fast food out there to sample and people are frickin’ busy eating shit that’s not McDonald’s. So McDonald’s is taking off the gloves, and they are fighting back the only way they know how: McRib style! Starting Dec. 17, you will be able to order this coveted cult sandwich again. Is this a great country or what?

The McRib was introduced in 1981 — it was invented by the same person who invented Chicken McNuggets. The McRib was around until 1995, which is, and I doubt this is a coincidence, the same year New Jersey Gov. Christine Todd Whitman named a rest stop after Howard Stern. After that the McRib has been strictly a special occasion sandwich, and the special occasion now is the Holiday Season/McDonald’s sucky financials.

I am going to level with you. I have never had a McRib. It’s not that I’m too good for a gym mat sandwich — I have eaten some pretty gross things. I am, for example, not immune to the occasional McFlurgency, and McFlurries hardly constitute eating clean. The truth is that any time that I might have been both hungry and in the presence of a McRib there was something else better to eat, something that wasn’t fashioned from shoes and pig tears. Did you even know the McRib was seasonal? I had no idea. I thought that anytime I wanted a McRib I could just get one, which might explain why I have never actually done so. So now I have from Dec. 17 until some unMcDisclosed date. I find myself very unMcCurious.