Pinellas County Sheriff’s Office
OK, you’re riding a manatee, and that’s bad, but also, what the hell are you wearing?

It is not rare that people are both clueless and trashy, but it is rare that people manage to display both of these publicly to such stunning effect that it A) is captured on film and B) becomes totally delicious news. A woman in Florida tried to ride a manatee the other day, and people were really pissed about it and hunted for her dumb ass for a few hours before one Ana Gloria Garcia Gutierrez turned herself in and said something to the effect of “OK, yes, it was I, it was indeed I riding the manatee, and I’m not going to pretend otherwise, because there’s a picture of me doing it, and you know how I look really happy and excited to ride a manatee in that photo? Well, I don’t feel happy or excited to ride a manatee now.”

There are some reasons riding a manatee isn’t a good idea. The first one is that manatees are endangered, and so we’re supposed to bother them as little as possible because you don’t want to stress out endangered shit. The second reason is that manatees don’t really like to be ridden. The third is that people are way the fuck into manatees and get mad when you mess with them. But Garcia Gutierrez did not know any of this. According to the the Tampa Bay Times, she told police that she was “new to the area” and thus unaware of the ramifications. Although “I just sat on the sea life because I didn’t know you’d get mad about it” is kind of a weak excuse.

Charges are still pending, and we’re kind of hoping they’re not too hard on her. What are the chances she’ll do it again? Those manatees know her face now, and they have CLAWS. (They don’t, but like she said, she’s new to the area and probably doesn’t know.) That said, that would be an extremely entertaining trial, and an even better movie. We want Anne Hathaway to gain 900 pounds to play the manatee.