Four ways to do wholesome. Five ways to do fungus
Capri Sun
Four ways to do wholesome. Five ways to do fungus.

Did you know that Capri Sun — which has always freaked me out although there are arguably more disgusting drinks — comes from Germany? That’s what Wired says, anyway. How weird is that? But that’s not what this story is about. This story is about fungi. Mystery fungi. Five kinds of which a scientist has just found in Capri Sun.

Kathleen Dannelly, an associate professor of microbiology at Indiana State University, was brought some Capri Sun by a news station investigating general fishiness at Capri Sun — over the years there have been reports of those little pouches emitting foul smells, housing worms, and containing “a black-particled glob.” And so Dannelly and her trusty scientist assistant spent a long time pouring a shitload of Capri Sun through vacuum filters, and what did they discover? Fungi. Five so far unidentified types.

Naturally, Capri Sun has a comeback for all of this. (You don’t make a fortune selling diabetes in foil pouches without being comeback ready!) Here’s what a representative of parent company Kraft told Wired:

Since there are no preservatives in our drinks, mold can grow in a pouch that has been damaged or punctured. That’s why we placed a statement on the carton recommending leaky pouches be discarded. Among the many millions of pouches we produce a year, it is a rare occurrence. But if it does happen, we want to hear about it.

The reality is, mold spores are literally everywhere. That’s why most foods, especially those without preservatives, eventually spoil and get moldy.

OK, well, maybe the whole “no preservatives” thing is vaguely vaguely an excuse. And hey, some fungus-growing drinks are trendy and supposedly healthful — what’s the difference, really, between this and kombucha? But I have never had a Capri Sun, and I am not going to start now.