Modern Farmer has provided a handy resource to tell you what kind of chicken is right for you, but I was a little disappointed that they didn’t present it in Cosmo quiz form. So here’s the Grist List quiz, based on Modern Farmer’s chicken guide, to determine your chicken personality.
Your chicken would live:
a) In my mouth, after I cook it.
b) In a coop.
c) In my bed with me.
d) In the refrigerator, because it’s warmer than the yard.
e) In a gallery.
f) In a community garden.
You want to keep chickens because:
a) Two words: barbecue sauce.
b) One word: omelettes.
c) I need something, anything to love me.
d) I’m amassing more warm-blooded beings to huddle with.
e) Chickens are like poetry with wings.
f) They can fit in a drawer. Chickens can fit in a drawer, right?
When you watch the end of The Incredible Journey, you say:
a) “Those would be tasty with barbecue sauce.”
b) “Who cares, none of these animals lay eggs.”
c) Nothing because you are incoherent with weeping.
e) “What fantastic cinematography!”
f) Oh please, like I have a television.
On a Friday night, you’re usually:
a) Taking the 80 oz. steak challenge down at the Roadhouse.
b) Egging people’s houses.
c) Volunteering at the animal shelter.
e) Working on your masterpiece.
f) Trying to find enough room in your house to lie down.
Mostly A: You are just going to eat your chicken anyway, so Modern Farmer suggests you get a Cornish game hen. Sure, they’re small, but you can probably fit a whole one in your mouth!
Mostly B: You have some kind of egg fixation. Get a Rhode Island Red or a Sussex, which are both good layers, you weird chicken-period fanatic.
Mostly C: You only want your chicken to love you. Your breed is Orpington — they’re good-natured and docile and are perfect if you honestly want to let a mutated dinosaur live in your house.
Mostly D: You want an Orpington too, but one of the exhibition breeds that have their own little feather hat, because otherwise your roosters’ combs will get frostbite and fall off in that tundra you call a backyard.
Mostly E: You are too sensitive for this world, but not too sensitive for the aesthete’s choice, the beautiful Araucana.
Mostly F: Dummy, you are a hipster who lives in a city, you have no room for a chicken! But if you must, get a Bantam variety — they’re a quarter the size of regular chickens. And then knit them tiny sweaters.