Coast Guard will cease target practice at Great Lakes

In a win for lovers of safety and the environment, the U.S. Coast Guard has withdrawn a plan to conduct machine-gun firing practice in the Great Lakes. After much complaining from boaters, Canadians, congressfolk, local mayors, and other sane people opposed to toxic lead bullets flying amok, a regional Coast Guard commander admitted the plan was “unsatisfactory.” Originally described as an important post-9/11 defense against boat-wielding terrorists infiltrating from Canada, the plan would have periodically closed 2,500 square miles of water for firing practice. (We can’t help but picture the Coast Guard trainees belting out the strains of “Blame Canada” as they go through their drills.) “If we introduced another proposal, we would do an outreach, look for public input, work with our stakeholders and elected officials, and see if we could come to a solution that works for all of us,” said a Coast Guard spokesperson, failing to answer the question: Why didn’t you just do that the first time?