A new report from leading conservation experts suggests that a third of all amphibian species are at risk, and calls for an urgent rescue to save frogs, newts, and other amphibians from extinction. Disease, habitat loss, and climate change are the major culprits — amphibians are “delicate sentinels of environmental change.” But frogs must carry some of the blame themselves. Frog celebrities have been poor role models: Mr. Toad’s reckless driving and compulsive behavior have led some to call his life a “wild ride,” and Kermit the Frog’s heroin thin physique has raised suspicions of anorexia and drug use. While the Amphibian Survival Alliance is doing its best to aid the crisis, I offer a few survival tips for our frog friends:

  1. Stop signing up for high school biology classes. Those don’t work out well for frogs.
  2. Stop giving piggy back rides to scorpions, even if they promise not to sting you. “Then I’ll drown too, it’s not logical…” Load of crap.
  3. Stop being delicate sentinels of environmental change. That’s really your biggest mistake.