The Oscars are this weekend! With the usual amount of Hollywood splashiness — though p’raps less than in years past — there are green efforts going on, from Global Green’s star-studded pre-party on Thursday to the first-ever use of dry-cleaning bags to hold swag (!) at an after-party. Eco-leaning films have garnered nominations, including Werner Herzog’s Encounters at the End of the World and the I-was-there Katrina film Trouble the Water. Ultimate eco-lesson-with-a-heart Wall-E even got a few nods, though it was — as one Grist staffer put it — “screwed over for best picture.”

On top of that, yummy host Hugh Jackman has racked up some eco-cred of his own over the years.

Alas, none of the five films nominated for best picture are particularly greenish. But just for fun, I’ve reimagined them as such below the fold, with a little help from Oscar’s own synopses.

Frost Nixin’: In the midst of a withdrawal from public life, Antarctica agrees to sit down with Glenn Beck for a series of interviews. Heated exchanges ensue.

The Breeder: A teenager begins an affair with an older woman. Their budding relationship begins to unravel when they find themselves on opposite sides of the population debate.

The Curious Case of Benjamin Cardin: The junior senator from Maryland grows younger even as he grows older in wisdom, eventually realizing that no issue is as critically important as climate.

Slumdog Dilettante-onaire: A 60-year-old prince professes admiration for slums. The media insists that a man from such an entitled background could not possibly know squat about urban planning.

Milk: As the emerging organic movement gathers force, it finds a champion and a public face in a popular dairy product. A tour de force that is by turns fresh and sour.