The Denver International Airport has been invaded by rabbits. Dozens and dozens and dozens of rabbits. And those rabbits aren’t just sitting around, looking cute and fuzzy. They’re destroying cars.

Airport employees think that they’re seeking refuge under cars because it’s warm there. But we know the truth: The bunnies are a secret guerilla force on the rampage, out to undermine the prevalence of cars in this country. They’re fighting back, by eating the insulators on ignition cables and rendering the cars non-drivable.

This is war.

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The airport is responding in kind. The USDA is “removing” 100 bunnies a month (and, once they’re gone, a spokesbunny for the guerilla bunny force said, they don’t come back). The airport’s put up fences and is recruiting a mercenary force of hawks and eagles to take down the anti-car forces. They’re also trying to intimidate bunnies with coyote urine.

“We just want our land back,” says a guerilla bunny, who would not give her name because we made her up. “This was our home, and this is how we’ll reclaim it. Insurance companies don’t cover bunny damage, so if we destroy enough cars, the humans will give in and stop parking them here.”

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