NASA“Do you think we can get the House Appropriations Committee to appropriate potato peels?” “Uh, there are 2 million of us in Adams Morgan alone! We can do whatever we want!”

Everyone thinks pigeons and rats are so gross. And they are. But here’s what they don’t do: Charge at you. Dig massive holes in the ground. Snort. Which is why, as the next 10 years elapse and wild pigs become the biggest pest in our nation’s capital, Washingtonians will look upon the days when all they had to worry about were pigeons and rats as a paradise of happiness.

Just so we are clear, wild pigs are not the type that are pink and soft and spoken highly of by spiders. They are rutting and wild and kind of gross. They make scary noises. Currently, wild pig experts — that’s not really a specialty, but perhaps it will be soon — think there are about 2,500 to 3,00o wild pigs in Virginia. These pigs have come up about as high as the town of Catlett — about 40 miles from D.C. But they are pretty good at breeding, as you might imagine. In Texas, for example, there are 3 to 4 million of them. One of the problems with these uncouth bastards — they roam a lot. They spread out. They breed. They spread out. They breed. They spread out.

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So how did we get wild pigs in a largely urban area? Anyone guessing “human stupidity” wins. Hunters who like hunting these animals brought them up north from the Carolinas so they could hunt them. Except … whoops. They forgot they couldn’t shoot them as fast as they’d breed and multiply and become a serious nuisance. God. Obama is such a bad president. We can’t believe this happened on his watch.

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