Photo by Robert Armstrong.

As a former goth, I had to love this article from British satire site NewsBiscuit about the latest species to be threatened by climate change: the normally nocturnal, tree-dwelling Common Goth.

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Britain’s Goth population, identifiable by its distinctive eye markings, peaked at around 90,000 in the 1970s, but since then has been driven out of urban habitats by more aggressive, faster-breeding species like Chavs. While some Goths are expected to hibernate until the weather gives everyone less to be cheerful about, there are fears that some could spontaneously combust in the summer sun leaving behind only a pair of smoking 18-hole Dr Martens.

Apparently these guys have never seen the Goths in Hot Weather blog, which clearly demonstrates that it’s possible for goths to survive in a warming world. Still, it’s a fair point. Creatures that lack the ability to adapt to high temperatures — due to thermoregulation-impeding black clothing, say, or extreme paleness — are doomed in the climate of the future. If they can’t migrate to cooler areas, they’ll have to shed their dark pelts and convert to steampunk, which is barely any better due to heat-retaining tweed and brass.

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It’s probably safest if we transport Robert Smith into a climate-controlled holding cell until we get this sorted out. It’s the right thing to do.