Photo by khalilshah.

Food scientists have come up with an evil plan to make bananas off-limits to strict vegans, people keeping kosher, and anyone with an iodine allergy: They want to coat the fruit with shellfish. Specifically, they’d douse them with a spray derived from shrimp and crab shells. And while I have had some perfectly yummy curries featuring fruit and seafood, I will go on record saying that this is a weird idea.

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Of course there is a justification for this craziness. The ultimate goal isn’t to piss off vegans — it’s to make bananas that last longer. According to Take Part, the spray will keep bananas from going brown for two extra weeks. Of course, normally you’d just eat the bananas. But since they’re coated in fish parts you’ll probably want to let them just sit around on your counter, so it’s important to have a way to keep them fresh all that time.

At least it is made from natural ingredients? I am sure that’s how this will be marketed: bananas, with all-natural preservatives! But really, I imagine it is part of some sort of vast international conspiracy to make it impossible — IMPOSSIBLE — for hard-line vegans to order at restaurants. Fruit salad: now off-limits.

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