Have you heard the term “bait and switch”? You know, when you see the words “Bates Motel” in a blog post and you THINK Downton Abbey but really Mr. Bates isn’t a hotelier at ALL? That’s kind of what Canadian convenience store Couche-Tard did to us, after choosing a name that sounds like a couch turd.
Let’s back up. Because Canada is a crazy land up in the sky (so to speak, if you’re looking at a map), they like to eat a combination of pizza and spaghetti. Naturally, their version of 7-11 thought it would be cool to combine this dynamic flavor duo in slushie form. The result is a “pizzaghetti”-flavored Sloche drink (why they can’t use normal words is beyond me).
Now, I won’t lie. Pizza and spaghetti have several things in common. They come from Italy; they’re red and beige; they make you want to take a nap; they have basically no nutritional value. Does that mean they should be combined? No. But I’m not gonna deny anyone who WANTS to combine them, because I eat Doritos Locos tacos when drunk. But the stupid and offensive part of Couche-Tard’s pizzaghetti slushie is that it doesn’t actually taste like that. Apparently it takes like STRAWBERRY KIWI. SMH.
If you weren’t convinced yet that Canada is a bit wack-a-doo, watch this disturbing ad, in which a slice of pizza falls in love with a hairy spaghetti corn-husk doll:
We’re on record as not liking it when non-America countries outdo us in the fucked-up food department. It just leads to escalation and, eventually mutually assured destruction. But we’re kind of glad we don’t have to live in the country that invented that spaghetti homunculus.