Domino’s doesn’t want to tell you how many calories are in that Bacon Cheeseburger Feast pizza, so they’re pulling out the Teen Talk Barbie defense: “Math is hard!” According to the company, there are 34 million ways to customize a Domino’s pizza, all of which result in a meal that tastes like wet cardboard. With so many permutations, Domino’s argues, how could they POSSIBLY post calorie counts?

Proposed FDA rules would require food chains to reveal some info about what, exactly, they’re selling us. But Domino’s says they couldn’t possibly comply, because freedom! So much freedom to put whatever crap you want on your terrible pizza! Freedom and math are not compatible, guys.

We shouldn’t pick on Domino’s alone, though, because Papa John’s, Little Caesars, Godfather’s Pizza, and Pizza Hut are all in on this whine-fest. The Washington Post reports:

The American Pizza Community, created in January, says the rules as written are unfair.

Grist thanks its sponsors. Become one.

For starters, the FDA would require that a menu board display the calorie count for the entire pizza even though the average consumer eats only 2.1 slices, the group said.

The proposal also calls for posting a calorie range for foods that can be customized. But such ranges can be so wide for pizza that they’re useless, the pizza makers said.

Grist thanks its sponsors. Become one.

Lindsay Beyerstein, calling B.S., observes, “More likely, they don’t want us seeing that a single slice of a large customized Domino’s pizza can pack anywhere from 230-400+ calories and wondering how much triple cheese contributes to the spread.”

Seriously, pizza is not health food. If you’re going to eat it, at least eat pizza that tastes good. Not one of Domino’s 34 million options is going to help you there.