Remember how after 9/11 President George W. Bush exhorted America to defeat terrorism by buying things? Well, consumers: America needs you again.

From The Wall Street Journal:

McDonald’s Corp.’s global same-store sales fell 1.8% in October — the fast-food chain’s first monthly sales drop since 2003 — as it struggles to combat slowing consumer demand amid ongoing economic uncertainty. …

“Though October’s sales results reflect the pervasive challenges of today’s global marketplace, I am confident that our strategies and the adjustments we are making in response to the current business headwinds will build sales momentum and drive sustained, profitable growth,” said President and Chief Executive Don Thompson.

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McDonald’s has been able to boost guest traffic and sales faster than most of its competitors with its expanding global operations and increasingly diverse menu, such as higher-margin products like blended-ice drinks. But austerity measures in Europe have contributed to slower global same-store sales growth in recent months.

Oh nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.

loop_ohWe must help McDonald’s shine again.

This news almost certainly puts conservatives in a bind: Do we risk doing even more damage to America’s premiere dining establishment by enacting tougher austerity measures (read: budget cuts) here? The answer is: Yes, tough luck people who rely on McDonald’s for quick, cheap food. (Incidentally, you may want to read our much longer look at McDonald’s problems.)

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There’s only one thing that freedom-fry-loving Americans can do. Put down that healthy, locally sourced meal you’re eating. Throw away your kale or whatever people who don’t eat McDonald’s eat. McDonald’s has a handy restaurant-locator tool in case you’ve never noticed any of the myriad franchises that surround your home and place of work. Head on in, buy a shit-ton of really terrible food, and leave an extra fiver on the counter.

Ronald McDonald is crying, America. And only your cash can wipe away his tears.

This is what patriotism looks like.