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Chiot’s Run

Forget what you heard about banning cukes (“You can’t hug kids with cukeular arms!”) because this mighty cucumber just saved the day:

Billy Joe Donnelly, 22, was done in by a cucumber he bit into while burglarizing a greenhouse in Preston, England in August.

His DNA was found on the vegetable which lead to his arrest and eventual guilty plea last week.

Apparently Donnelly got shitfaced and possibly high (the cops found pot at his house when they arrested him) and decided the most gangster thing to do would be to — drumroll — EAT FRESH VEGGIES. (We kinda like this guy!) According to his lawyer:

“He had been drinking heavily at the time and was riding around on his bike when he entered the greenhouse and he ate some of the produce from there. It was foolish behavior and he was identified by a cucumber.”

“It was foolish behavior and she was identified by a cucumber” is now my dream gravestone inscription.

This is a big step up from your everyday cucumber good deed: stopping the munchies dead in their tracks. Well, and cucumbers traditionally have their raunchier uses, as you’ll know if you ever tried to buy a single one from the grocery store. (What? I was hungry!) But not even that is as commendable as helping the cops put a crook behind bars.

Homegrown produce IS pretty irresistible, compared to bland supermarket fare. So just remember the next time you’re on a crime spree: Don’t sample the goods ’til you get home.

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