How to prepare yourself for the Baconpocalypse
They told us the world would end in 2012, and it’s TRUE. The news that emerged yesterday about the imminent Great Bacon Shortage of 2013 can mean nothing but the End of Days.
The Los Angeles Times quotes an industry trade group as saying that “a world shortage of pork and bacon next year is now unavoidable” due to the summer’s crazy weather.
Blame the drought conditions that blazed through the corn and soybean crop this year. Less feed led to herds declining across the European Union “at a significant rate,” according to the National Pig Assn. in Britain.
QUICK, EVERYBODY BUY ALL THE BACON. Actually, before you do, consider that this news has come from an industry with an interest in getting us all to buy their products — and that this situation is actually a pretty gruesome side effect of the profit motive. Basically, expensive corn has led pig farmers to “process” their pigs early, rather than feed them slightly more expensive corn for a slightly longer period of time. Bloomberg explains:
U.S. hog farmers are slaughtering animals at the fastest pace since 2009 as a surge in feed costs spurs the biggest losses in 14 years, signaling smaller herds next year and a rebound in pork prices.
The 73.3 million hogs processed in eight months through August were the most in three years, U.S. Department of Agriculture data show. Pork supply will drop to the lowest per- capita since 1975 next year, the USDA estimates.
But, whatever the reason for the shortage, there is obviously only one rational response: despair.
I refuse to live without bacon 🐷—
Andy Benedetto (@bendo7732) September 25, 2012
You could also throw your lot in with those proactive souls who are determined that they will NOT live without bacon:
Since a bacon shortage is inevitable I'm going to go to several supermarket right now to buy all the bacon they have. Don't get in my way.—
Touré (@Toure) September 25, 2012
It is reasonable, though, to believe that this bacon shortage is a punishment that we must suffer for our indulgent, snarky-as-shit culture:
GLOBAL BACON SHORTAGE NEXT YEAR! OKAY INTERNET! STOP LOVING BACON SO IRONICALLY! YOU RUIN IT FOR REST OF PEOPLE!—
DRUNK HULK (@DRUNKHULK) September 25, 2012
Chicago Now says we should atone:
Stop putting bacon into things that don’t need it. Below are five bacon-related food items that you should remove from your diet for the greater bacony good.
That is, bacon ice cream, bacon-wrapped fruits, bacon doughnuts, bacon drinks, bacon chocolate bars.
Before we get too drastic, let’s remember that this doesn’t mean there will be NO bacon, just that it will be more costly. These things will work themselves out, to a certain extent. If no one will pay extra for bacon doughnuts, there will be no bacon doughnuts. But we’re kinda betting there still will be. Because if the world is ending, what else would you want to eat?