The scene of the, er, crime.

Shinya SuzukiThe scene of the, er, crime.

Listen up, because you’re not gonna believe this. There’s this really weird thing I’ve discovered. Turns out if you eat the most disgusting culinary concoction possible, you THROW UP. NEVER has this been revealed to humanity before.

Thank heaven for Vice writer Josh Schneider, who broke this hard-hitting journalistic tale last year. At great personal sacrifice, the intrepid reporter went into the heart of the conflict zone, New York’s Burger King Whopper Bar, and ordered a Whopper with seven sauces and 18 toppings — i.e., everything you can put on a burger. He did this to provide some rare first-person reconnaissance about eating fast food — an experience about which most of us can only speculate. We’ve all seen burgers on the telly, but to GET one and put it in your actual MOUTH?

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I can only hope young Schneider gets the Pulitzer:

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I hefted the monstrosity into my hands. I swear this thing weighed nearly five pounds. And it reeked. The burger itself felt cold at the bottom, and the sickly-sweet whiff I got when I opened the container burned my eyes and churned my guts. The bun was quickly growing saturated with sauces and juices and was melting onto my hands. The guacamole was seeping like green snot and the other sauces were running together, congealing into a shiny brown coating.

Shaking my head. It’s just like The Constant Gardener.

Not THE Whopper, but an "Angry Whopper."

AivrenDotComNot Schneider’s Whopper, but an “Angry Whopper.”

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I had every intention of putting this entire beast inside of my body but when I took my first bite I knew instantly that something was wrong, and I immediately spit it out, retching uncontrollably before heaving over the side of the booth.

Pushing his body past its natural limit like an Olympic athlete, Schneider heroically accomplished an entire one bite before surrendering. That right there is a testament to the indomitable human spirit and perseverance in the face of adversity. Thank you, sir, for putting your body on the line to bring us investigative journalistic proof that if you’re going to eat a fast food burger, it should probably have less than every single possible topping and sauce.