If you read STFU Parents — and you should — you know that modern parenting includes all sorts of faddish birth and post-birth rituals. If you don’t give birth sans medication in a kiddie pool and then immediately drink a placenta smoothie, your baby will probably grow up to hate you. It’s as if labor isn’t demanding enough, so we need to find ways to complicate it. And if Adam and Heather Barrington become trendsetters, the whole thing is going to get even more demanding — because they’re planning to experience the miracle of childbirth while swimming with dolphins.

“It is about reconnecting as humans with the dolphins so we can coexist in this world together and learn from one another,” says Heather.

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The couple hopes to find this connection during prenatal and postnatal swims with the dolphins.

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“Having that connection with the pod of dolphins anytime – even if the birth doesn’t happen in the water – still brings peace, comfort and strength to the mother and baby during labor,” says Heather.

They believe a dolphin-assisted birth will be calming experience and beneficial.

This is of course a terrible idea, but not JUST because it makes you seem like an overbearingly pretentious hippie. (Look at the Barringtons’ photo. They don’t care.) It’s because dolphins are bloodthirsty murderer rapists. Look, I get it; they’re really cute and they can jump backwards through a hoop while whistling “The Star-Spangled Banner,” but Grist List has gone on record before as saying we don’t trust dolphins. We certainly would not trust them with our newborns, if we had any lying around.

The Sirius Institute, which is encouraging this nonsense helping with the Barrington birth, has a whole Geocities-looking page about how great dolphin midwives are. We have annotated some bits for you:

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Since birthing in water is beneficial, and dolphins are able to heal or improve a wide range of medical conditions, it is reasonable to suppose that their presence at water births could be beneficial. [Also, by the same logic, since an assisting midwife can make women more relaxed, and mermaids have beautiful singing voices, it is reasonable to suppose that a lullaby from a mermaid midwife would improve the birth experience.]

Dolphins are curious about pregnant women and often come around to check them out [in the hopes of raping and/or eating them]. … In the Black Sea, dolphins would often come close to the people in the water [to eat them] and were present at many births [of babies they then ate].

… A good birth results in an imprint of basic trust in the universe while a difficult birth can lead to an imprint of struggle [so ladies, if your children are unhappy, it’s your fault for not having wider hips and better luck]. Whatever the imprint, it tends to be repeated in our later lives [unless we are immediately eaten upon exiting the womb]. …

The fact that humans like water, swim, dive, and are attracted to birthing in the water has led to the development of the Aquatic Ape Theory [OK I GIVE UP GOODNIGHT EVERYBODY]