James D PhotographyNOT GLUTEN-FREE.

A lot of people are arguing over whether Lorde’s catchy “Royals” tune (you’ve heard it on the radio; trust me) is racist. Tsk, tsk. They’re foolishly distracted from the real issue: GLUTENISM. Thankfully, Australian singer Terry Mann rewrote the song for “anyone with fructose malabsorption, lactose intolerance, or celiac disease.” (This makes more sense when you realize Royals are a kind of Australian mallomar.)

Sample lyrics:

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I’ve never eaten white bread in the flesh
I cut my teeth on gluten-free from the health aisle
And I’m not proud of my distress
With a torn-up bowel
Constant food envy

Cuz every product’s got fructose, lactose, gluten in the fine print
This food, that food, even in the wine bin
We don’t dare
Cuz we got celiac in our veins

The whole thing’s worth a listen — even if you CAN eat Royals.

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