Do you know all six positions for crapping in the great outdoors? Well, you should! You never know when you’ll need to whip out The Thinker or even The Head-On Buddy Dump if you really want to bond with someone. (There’s nothing like poop to bring people together, I always say.) Thankfully, reality star Spencer “Two Dogs” Boljack of reality show Hillbilly Blood is an expert at that sort of thing.

First, you need to pick some good leaves (nature’s TP), because Two Dogs HATES it when hikers and campers leave toilet paper in the woods. Don’t go for the dried crispy ones on top, because your fingers will just poke right through. “Some leaves are like Clint Eastwood. They won’t take crap from nobody,” Two Dogs says. If the leaf is too slick, you’re also in trouble, so go for leaves a little below the surface, where they’re slightly decomposed.

Now to get those bowels a-movin’. You’ve probably done the Drop a Log, where you simply drape yourself over a log to do a No. 2, or the Third World Squat, which is just your basic squat. But have you done The Orangutan Hang?! “It’s kinda like a swing, but you’re goin’ poo, so it’s fun,” Two Dogs raves:


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And a romantic (or simply friendly) position is the Head-On Buddy Dump, where you face your friend or lover, cross wrists, hold hands, and squat while leaning back:

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For shyer types, lock arms back-to-back and squat while supporting each other. You miss gazing into each other’s eyes, though:


“A lotta folks in America can’t even go to the bathroom without a toilet seat. I see it a lot,” Two Dogs says. LET’S PROVE HIM WRONG.