American Sperm is the FUCKING BEST

JaakobouAmerican Sperm is the FUCKING BEST.

So our manufacturing sector is dead and so our economy is growing hardly at all. But you know what? Who cares? Because American jizz rules! Seriously. We’re over here trying to reduce population growth, telling everybody about the environmental drawbacks of having too many children, and meanwhile the whole world is just pumping us dry of sperm.

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Yes, when people around the globe are looking for high-quality sperm, they come to the U.S. This is not for the reasons the Tea Party might think (i.e. our superior strength, Aryan good looks, and congenitally oversized freedom glands). It’s mainly because our disease screening is so good, but our donor screening is so lax — so we have a really big pool (eew) of well-vetted sperm.

At least we’re also developing innovative condom technology — maybe if we can export both, they’ll cancel out. And hey, it’s good to know we’re wanted. Unemployment is high and college degrees aren’t worth the paper they’re printed on, but never let it be said that America is not No. 1, at least in one thing.

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