Just like that obnoxious couple and that sad lady who made all those sandwiches, viral video “What Does the Fox Say?” is getting turned into a book. (Sigh.) Our hearts were growing ever more jaded until, like the sudden appearance of a magic, cynicism-stopping fairy godmother, we saw this video of what the fox ACTUALLY says:

Spoiler alert: The fox doesn’t actually talk. BUT his owner, a charming elderly chap, describes the noise he makes (purring!), and then gives him a bath and DRIES HIM WITH A BLOWDRYER. Crack! Snap! Candy coating of cynicism is crunched underfoot!

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“If you want to learn from an animal, you’ve got to get close to it,” Lovely White-Haired Guy says, in what sounds like a prophetic diss to Ylvis. “Oh, you wanna know what the fox says?” seems to be the undertone. “TRY GETTING WITHIN 10 FEET OF ONE.”

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“A fox looks like a dog but purrs like a cat,” he continues. So it would SEEM the fox does not actually say “ring-ding-ding-ding,” but rather “prrrr.” CASE CLOSED.