Christie —

Heard they hammered you in Montreal about the Kyoto thing. Don’t let it get you down, Whitman! They’re foreigners, these people, and foreigners feed on confrontation. It’s cultural. Did you see that recent French or German movie, in black and white? Cultural. Good of you to leave the conference early. I take it you got some free sandwiches first? (Heh heh!) I like sandwiches.

Call it the Green House.

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To answer your question, the White House isn’t currently offering an alternative to Kyoto Protocol, if that is indeed what it’s called. We don’t get paid to sit around and dream up “ideas.” If they continue to press you for an answer, then they are pushy and don’t deserve one. (Ever notice that “press conference” starts with the word “press”? I just noticed that. It’s all about them. If you want to skip them altogether, that’s fine with me. I’ll check with Dick.)

In the meantime, let’s push back. The greenies want the conversation to be so negative — Kyoto, arsenic, CO2, mines, puppy dogs, whatever — but I say, Accentuize the positive. Write that one down. Technically I should be napping now — I’ve already had my warm milk — but 15 minutes into rest time I’m here, awake, leading. The Bush White House finds trees, etc., as agreeable as the next guy, and I’ll have those squeaky wheels know I’m no nature hater.

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  1. I fed a squirrel Saturday. Gave it some cheese. Didn’t have to, either. I could’ve eaten the cheese myself, or saved it for later. Leadership.
  2. I’m generally opposed to rainbows, of course, but I’d be perfectly willing to look into alternatives. Maybe something angular and rugged?
  3. I like to drive through America’s lush countryside. Real fast. Know how the grass looks when you’re going real fast? Blurry! But then if you look off in the distance, that stuff’s not moving as fast. I spotted that.
  4. What’s this “natural gas” business? Sounds like a potty joke. (Heh heh!) But let’s check it out, for fun.


  6. Gorillas. Now there’s a masculine species. I don’t mean those little chimps and what have you — probably homosexual. But I’d knock a few back with those King Kong types.
  7. Clinton wanted air-conditioning regulated. Well, some of us happen to be committed to beating global warming. I say let’s crank up the a/c and cool down this beautiful planet, one room at a time.
  8. Fire — what is that?? Is it natural? Probably. So fun to look at. I love it! I salute nature on this one.
  9. Found out a great number of animals are eating other animals. Crocodiles versus the antelopes or some such. Who authorized this? We spend hundreds — hundreds — of dollars saving these ungrateful beasts, and they turn around and kill each other. Nut jobs. Let’s put an end to this infighting.
  10. Central America. Pretty sure it’s a drain on “nature’s economy.” Either way, don’t like it — too ’80s. Something to think about.

  12. Who put these windmills up? Talk about disrespecting the environment. Two-faced enviros want to “harness” the wind like it’s some kind of wild boar. Which gives me an idea. What about harnessing wild boars? We’ll need some kind of strap. Will brainstorm.