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peupleloup

You think you’re in tune with nature? Yeah, get back to me when you’ve spent nearly 30 years with no other company. A 47-year-old man named Christopher Knight (not to be confused with the director of the Batman series! UPDATE: OK, my editor and I are both really stupid. Christopher Nolan directed Batman. I blame the rain.) has been living alone in the Maine woods for 27 years. Does that sound really boring? Well, it probably would have been if he did not manage to keep the Intrigue Factor in his life going strong by committing over 1,000 robberies.

Of course, he didn’t steal very exciting stuff. He stole food and clothing and beer and supplies. OK, beer is kind of exciting. But this dude does not look like he’s up for a lot of laughs. In the 27 years he spent alone in Maine (he talked to someone once in the ’90s, and no, it was not Adam Duritz), he can only seem to recall one highlight, other than petty theft, and that was watching a MUSHROOM GROW.

So yeah, even though this seems like a funny story I’m guessing it would have sucked to wake up one morning on a camping trip in Maine and find your flashlight and your Terra Chips and all your frickin’ Molson Goldens gone. Yes, this guy was pretty harmless, but he did commit crimes. They eventually caught him by setting up game cameras in the places he was robbing, and arrested him. And now, he is in jail, being held for $5,000 bail.

You can read all about that and also how he listened to Rush Limbaugh in the Waterville, Maine, Morning Sentinel’s 74,564-word story, which I have to say is a masterpiece of some genre though I am not sure which one. But really, what else do you need to know about him? (Other than the fact that when he gets around to getting laid he’s going to come in about two seconds.) He liked Robinson Crusoe. When he was in high school he wanted to be a computer programmer. He used Rubbermaid containers (stolen) to keep his stuff in.

Officials are amazed that he understands and takes responsibility for his thefts, but I think he’s actually no dummy. He spent all his time reading and meditating, and you know what I don’t see in that sentence? The word “working.” Hmm. Perhaps the Maine woods, a few tarps, and some solitude might be just the ticket.