Great Flamingo
Lori Branham

Animals and people are basically the same. We both fling our poop, pick bugs out of each other’s hair, and inject poison into our enemies from our feet. So if you’re having trouble attracting a mate this Valentine’s Day, National Geographic has rounded up some flirting tips from the wild that will TOTALLY work for you. Here’s a taste:

  • Throw rocks at your crush. Oh, did you abandon this one in fifth grade? Big mistake. This is how female bearded capuchin monkeys catch the eye of important dude monkeys, in addition to poking them and sprinting away. VERY recess!
  • Decorate your pad with feathers and caterpillar crap. If there’s no love in your love nest, fashion it after those of Macgregor’s bowerbirds. The males decorate with forest findings like moss, twigs, and dead beetles, so swap out that Eames chair for a pile of whimsically disheveled mushrooms.

  • Build a sandcastle with sand you carried in your mouth. Hey, if it works for cichlid fish in East African lakes, it’ll work for you!

Follow sex by eating your lover, like the female praying mantis does. Happy Valentine’s Day!