Five alligators have been found on Long Island in the span of one week. Long Island is not a likely habitat for alligators, but it is a likely habitat for people who go on vacation in Florida, see a little alligator, and say, “Frickin’ far out, how frickin’ awesome would it be if we got this for Karen and Joe for their frickin’ wedding!” One day the alligator is just a few inches long and it just sits on the table blinking while everyone does jello shots. Then there’s a few funny Facebook photos of the thing standing on Patrick’s face in the Spongebob kiddie pool. By the time holiday season rolls around the thing’s a couple feet long and it eats seven Panettone at once and that’s when it’s clear the party is over.
The first alligator was found in Mastic, the next two near Baldwin, and the fourth was discovered at a golf course further east. The fifth was found by police yesterday, in a shopping center, inside a large plastic storage container with the words “My Gator” scrawled across the top. (An interesting choice of words considering the lack of responsibility — perhaps “This scaly death monster is your frickin’ problem now” would have been more accurate.) Officials have found homes for some of these gators, and in the meantime they’re trying to get out the word that exotic animals do not make good pets — a rather bland public service message that will have to suffice until the inevitable event involving a severed artery.