nutella
Zachary Paradis

Thieves in the German town of Bad Hersfeld (which sounds like the nickname of the most rebellious kid in bar mitzvah study) swiped 5.5 tons of Nutella spread out of a trailer. They’re going to have a hard time eating it all, but I am willing to help.

The AP reports that the delicious, delicious haul was worth about $20,000, although realistically, you don’t steal 11,000 pounds of Nutella because you’re planning to sell it on the black market. You steal 11,000 pounds of Nutella because there’s 11,000 pounds of Nutella to steal.

On the plus side, this is the first time I’ve felt such an acute kinship with a group of organized criminals. On the other hand, it’s unsettling because, unlike maple syrup and walnuts, Nutella was something we all planned to stock in our emergency larder. Now we have one more thing to worry about in the post-ecopocalypse Beyond Thunderdome hellscape: Nutella thieves. Thanks a lot, Bad Hersfeld.