The Onion reports that scientists have figured out the definitive solution to overpopulation, resource depletion, and environmental carnage: We just need to kill off a third of the human race. Who wants to go first?

“I’m just going to level with you—the earth’s carrying capacity will no longer be able to keep up with population growth, and civilization will end unless large swaths of human beings are killed, so the question is: How do we want to do this?” Cambridge University ecologist Dr. Edwin Peters said. “Do we want to give everyone a number and implement a death lottery system? Incinerate the nation’s children? Kill off an entire race of people? Give everyone a shotgun and let them sort it out themselves?”

It’s not clear which of these options is best, say researchers, but a few things are incontrovertible: Simply trying to prevent things from getting worse, through contraception and family planning, isn’t going to cut it anymore. The Logan’s Run solution won’t work either — we need to get the youngsters, since they’ll be using resources for the longest. And if we can’t work this out in the next two months, the U.N. is just going to start gunning people down for the good of the planet.