Williams-Sonoma

Have you always wanted to live off the land, but you were burdened with an overfull trust fund and too many butlers? Well, say hello to Williams-Sonoma Agrarian, your portal for spending gazillions of dollars on backyard farming.

With Williams-Sonoma Agrarian people can seriously DIY the shit out of their lives. They can out-Laura Ingalls Laura Ingalls. They can keep bees (in a $500 hive). They can raise chickens (in a $1,300 coop).  They can plant raised vegetable beds (in a $250 vintage bathtub). They can can shit and preserve shit. None of these things are bad, taken on a case-by-case basis, and we know very nice people who do this stuff. But Williams-Sonoma wants you to pay A LOT of money for the privilege of doing things from scratch.

For example: Williams-Sonoma Agrarian lets you grind your own flour in a $675 mill ($780 if you want to clamp it to a table). This is probably the activity that sends our eye sockets rolling up into our heads with the most indignant disgust. Don’t rich people know other people can grind flour a lot faster and more easily than they can do it themselves? Well, OK, they probably do know that, and that’s why they’ll have their personal chef do the grinding. Because they are job creators.

Really, though, Williams-Sonoma has done us a great favor. Remember back like, 10 years ago, when someone had to talk to you for a few minutes to figure out that you were a douchebag? Williams-Sonoma has managed to take conversation out of the douchebag vetting process. You walk into someone’s house, you see a flour grinder or other product from this line, and you know you are in enemy territory.