Last night, Mitt Romney announced that he plans to release his energy plan tomorrow. He wouldn’t tell the crowd at his fundraiser what was in it, because “we have members of the media here right now.”

Tough luck, Mitt. We happen to have sussed out exactly what your energy plan contains. How’d we get this massive scoop? None of your business. Let’s just say that we have our sources.

Mitt RomneyMitt Romney at Holland State Park, June 19, 2012, in Holland, Michigan.

Oil
First and foremost, Romney will call for drilling everywhere. Literally everywhere. He will propose a bill that mandates an exploratory well be drilled within every square mile area of America. Actually two: one for oil and one for natural gas. Actually, three: oil, gas, and coal. And maybe one for kryptonite. The bill is expected to sail through the House.

Romney will also propose a bill that provides a financial incentive for businesses to conduct research and development into additional ways in which to use oil. Can oil replace a fax machine? Maybe. Can you use oil as wiring in an office? Only one way to find out. This bill will be named “The 2013 Anti-Terror Job Creation Act,” and will be introduced on the floor by Rep. Fred Upton (R-Mich.). It will simultaneously be introduced in Times Square by Upton’s niece, Kate. (She is actually his niece.) It is expected to be passed by the House on party lines and to receive public support broken down on gender lines.

Romney will also sign an executive order naming oil the “Coolest Liquid in the U.S.A.” and mandating that any sodas or other beverages that want to present themselves as cool need to modify their marketing language. So instead of, say, something called Mountain Dew Cool Blast, the drink would need to be called Mountain Dew Pretty Cool Blast.

Natural Gas
The Republican party has a scientist, Dr. Kredulis, D.D.S., who provides all of its scientific information. A recent study from Kredulis notes:

Fracking is totally safe because God put that gas in that rock and invented pipes.

Pointing to that study, Romney will personally oversee the construction of a natural gas well on the White House lawn, because Kredulis also says you don’t need to actually be near gas-containing shale to drill a well. It will be next to the White House Christmas Derrick.

Oh, Romney will also call for wells everywhere else, of course, except near swing voters, moderate Republicans, and white people who use the internet.

Coal
This is true: In West Virginia, shops sell souvenirs made out of coal. At right is a photo of a crucifix made out of coal from a shop in Harper’s Ferry.

Mitt Romney will set a Kennedyesque goal: no un-mined coal in the continental United States by the end of the century. Where George Bush vacationed on his ranch in Crawford, clearing brush, Mitt Romney will take his time off deep in a mine just south of Clarksburg. For a solid week, he will work in the mine’s depths, digging out a waning seam, emerging only once the clock hits midnight, at which point he’ll spend an hour at a local bar drinking a Pepsi and loudly complaining about the coal dust under his fingernails and burrowed into his lungs.

As he prepares to run for a second term, Mitt Romney will hand-carve hundreds of thousands of busts of himself and Paul Ryan from coal he himself mined, encouraging voters to build their own small coal-fired plants in their backyards.

Nuclear
Romney will use the word “nuclear” every time he wants to pander to a group that opposes the use of fossil fuels. On his first day in office, he will sign an executive order mandating that any mention of “clean technology” or “green energy” or “renewable” be replaced with the expression “smart, safe nuclear power.” He will also ask the House to approve funding for a new nuclear plant to be built by the year 2060 out of coal.

During his third year in office, he will ask NASA to recall the Curiosity rover so that, instead of running on nuclear energy, it can be powered by gasoline like a real American car.

Renewables
The fuck is a “renewable”? You mean “smart, safe nuclear power.”

And there you have the plan Romney will announce tomorrow. Next week at the convention, however, the rank-and-file members of the Republican party will take issue with how soft Romney’s positions are and challenge his nomination from the floor. They will then nominate a barrel of oil for president and a barrel of oil for vice president and the balloons that fall on them after the vote will be made of coal. Forty will be injured, 10 seriously.