Last night, Mitt Romney announced that he plans to release his energy plan tomorrow. He wouldn’t tell the crowd at his fundraiser what was in it, because “we have members of the media here right now.”

Tough luck, Mitt. We happen to have sussed out exactly what your energy plan contains. How’d we get this massive scoop? None of your business. Let’s just say that we have our sources.

Mitt Romney
Mitt Romney at Holland State Park, June 19, 2012, in Holland, Michigan.

First and foremost, Romney will call for drilling everywhere. Literally everywhere. He will propose a bill that mandates an exploratory well be drilled within every square mile area of America. Actually two: one for oil and one for natural gas. Actually, three: oil, gas, and coal. And maybe one for kryptonite. The bill is expected to sail through the House.

Romney will also propose a bill that provides a financial incentive for businesses to conduct research and development into additional ways in which to use oil. Can oil replace a fax machine? Maybe. Can you use oil as wiring in an office? Only one way to find out. This bill will be named “The 2013 Anti-Terror Job Creation Act,” and will be introduced on the floor by Rep. Fred Upton (R-Mich.). It will simultaneously be introduced in Times Square by Upton’s niece, Kate. (She is actually his niece.) It is expected to be passed by the House on party lines and to receive public support broken down on gender lines.