SolarSurferMake that cave give me back my fur!

All we can say about this one is that it was bound to happen eventually: The fur of a yeti has reportedly been found in a Siberian cave. So when frighted Siberian children ask their parents, “Mom and Dad, are yetis real?” their parents will be obliged to say, “Fuck yeah they are. You know how we know? A bunch of people who are really obsessed with yetis found some yeti fur in a cave. Now go to sleep.”

(Before proceeding, I’m obliged to point out that the Moscow Times news item on which this article is based meanders, contradicts itself, and at times, makes little sense. Reading it, I paused often to ask myself, “Wait, was this thing written by a yeti?” Which, of course, would be incontrovertible proof that yetis exist.)

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Moving along. Yes, it would be wonderful to say once and for all, “Yes, yetis exist, and yes, this fur, discovered last month in the Azasskaya cave in a region of Siberia called Kemerovo, came from a real yeti.” But that’s not very objective. So, let’s get a little more scientific.

The case for this fur being Genuine Yeti Fur:

  1. As reported in the Moscow Times, a St. Petersburg professor named Valentin Sapunov said that he believed there was a “60-70 percent” certainty that some hairs, found in a cave in Southern Siberia, were those of a “yeti-like creature.”
  2. There are a lot of people who believe in yetis.

The case against this fur being Genuine Yeti Fur:

  1.  A lot of people don’t believe in yetis. Like, most people.
  2. The hairs were found on an expedition during a yeti conference. (A yeti conference? Are you cereal? “Oh, let’s have a yeti conference, and during it, let’s find some yeti fur! Who’s with me?”)
  3. One of the people who supposedly went on the expedition to find the yeti, one Jeff Muldrun of Idaho, was quoted in self-same article saying, “There was no expedition.” So he went on the expedition, but the expedition didn’t exist? And he doesn’t believe the fur found is yeti fur anyway, because while Muldrun was on the expedition that did not exist, all he saw in the cave where the yeti supposedly was hanging around, presumably shedding, were soda cans and food wrappers. (Everyone knows yetis hate soda!)

There have been about 1,00o yeti sightings all over Russia. The governor of the Kemerovo region has offered a large reward to anyone who can show up with an actual yeti. We can see the movie now: Yeti Hunt, starring Kevin James and Vince Vaughn, maybe Rachael Weisz as a sexy cryptozoologist, and Tracy Morgan as the soda can.

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