1. Certified orgasmic

    Liz Hurley has announced that she will give up acting, prompting an anguished nation to cry out, “Wait, when did Liz Hurley start acting?” Seems Hurley wants to devote herself full-time to her farm in England, which will soon go organic and get proper livestock. “I’ve joined the breeders’ club already,” said Hurley. Heh. Heh. Heh.

    Photo: News International / WireImage.com
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  2. I was in the pool!

    It’s Seinfeld meets Ice Age meets Revelations: apparently industrial pollutants are traveling up the food chain into Arctic polar bears, where they are … how to put this … shrinking the bear’s balls. Polar bears already get it on less than any other terrestrial mammal, and this, well, it ain’t gonna help.

    Photo: iStockphoto

  3. Speaking of disappearing wood

    ForestEthics reports it’s being stiffed by major mags that refuse to run an advert [PDF] revealing how Victoria’s Secret catalogs strip forests bare. Also concerned with preserving wood, Greenpeace asks musicians whether their wood is good. And we answer, uh, shyeah … they’re musicians.

    Photo: ForestEthics
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  4. Nuclear material girl

    Madonna and hubby Guy Ritchie met recently with Brit bigwigs to propose a nuke-waste cleanup scheme. So nice to see wealth and celebrity used for a good cause! Unfortunately, it involved the use of, uh, magic Kabbalah fluid. Said one official, “It was like a crank call …”

    Photo: George Chin / MLSNETImages.com

  5. May the Hetch be with you

    When a recent report offered a glimmer of hope for Yosemite’s Hetch Hetchy Valley, Han Solo hopped in the Millennium Falcon and flew to the area to shoot documentary footage, hoping to foment rebellion against the Californian empire. The Sacramento Death Star promptly … ignored him. Sigh.

    Photo: Amy Graves / WireImage.com