If a multibillion-dollar company started a frack pit fire in your backyard that burned uncontrollably for five days and killed one person, what would you consider fair compensation? A stable of miniature horses? An all-you-can-eat shrimp dinner served on Drake’s private jet? One large pizza AND a two-liter beverage? Strike that last one; maybe we’re just getting greedy.

Or not: Chevron Appalachia deemed the last option an appropriate gesture of goodwill for the residents of Greene County, Pa., where a natural gas well exploded into flames last week. In a letter to 100 residents dated last Sunday — proof that Chevron employees will work even on the Lord’s Day to ensure that those wronged by their explosions can still enjoy a delicious cheesy treat — the Chevron Community Outreach Team acknowledged the accident and enclosed a gift certificate redeemable at Bobtown Pizza for a “Special Combo Only.” To those Greene County residents who perchance desired mozzarella sticks: Better luck next time.

If this tale of egregious corporate tone-deafness seems too good to be true — as we certainly thought — Pennsylvania’s Raging Chicken Press claims to have contacted a Chevron spokesperson and received the following reply:

As part of our comprehensive response to the Lanco well fire that occurred last Tuesday, we have communicated with area residents to answer any questions or concerns. Our operational response has included construction activity, resulting in increased traffic and congestion in the area. As part of our meetings with a small group of immediate neighbors impacted by this activity, we have offered a token of appreciation for their patience during this time.  We also wanted to support Bobtown Pizza, a local business that has been providing meals to our first responders and workers at the well site. Chevron’s priorities remain responding to this incident safely.  We appreciate the strong support we have received from nearby residents and our first responders.

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A Bobtown Pizza employee confirmed to Grist on the phone that some customers had already cashed in their gift certificates, although he declined to provide an exact number.

A Special Combo, for those who want to put a price on thoughtfulness, is worth $12.00.

See the full letter below:

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Raging Chicken PressClick to embiggen.

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