Brainwashed by broccoli.

ShutterstockBrainwashed by broccoli.

I’ve figured it out, guys. Here is the crux of Obama’s socialist agenda: He’s going to take away our guns and replace them with biotech broccoli.

Obviously the liberal media is in on this plot. Why else would The New York Times have published this story about a scientific research project attempting to create the perfect broccoli on the same day Obama suddenly announced — despite evidence to the contrary — that broccoli is his favorite food? Come on, Obama. We didn’t take that shit from our parents when we were 5 years old, and we’re not falling for it now just because you’re the “president.”

In what is obviously a heretofore unrevealed component of Obamacare — a broccoli mandate, if you will — scientists at Cornell University are tinkering with broccoli through genetic breeding, trying to make it tastier and better-looking in an insidious ploy to get us to eat more of it. (I smell hints of Bloomberg’s nanny state.) The liberal rag of record explains:

Grist thanks its sponsors. Become one.

Broccoli hates too much heat, which is why 90 percent of it sold in the United States comes from temperate California, which is often bathed by fog. …

But [plant scientist Thomas Bjorkman] and a team of fellow researchers are out to change all that. They’ve created a new version of the plant that can thrive in hot, steamy summers like those in New York, South Carolina or Iowa, and that is easy and inexpensive enough to grow in large volumes. …

Grist thanks its sponsors. Become one.

“If you’ve had really fresh broccoli, you know it’s an entirely different thing,” [Bjorkman] said. “And if the health-policy goal is to vastly increase the consumption of broccoli, then we need a ready supply, at an attractive price.”

You catch that? If the health-policy goal is to vastly increase the consumption of broccoli. Yep, folks, pretty soon they’ll be shoving it down our throats, and sending anyone who objects straight to the death panels.

They’re calling this scheme “the Eastern Broccoli Project,” and if that name alone doesn’t make your hair stand on end, get this: They’re not stopping at broccoli.

The new broccoli is part of a mad dash by Cornell scientists to remake much of the produce aisle. The goal is to help shift American attitudes toward fruits and vegetables by increasing their allure and usefulness in cooking, while maintaining or even increasing their nutritional loads. In recent months, the Cornell lab has turned out a full-flavored habanero pepper without the burning heat, snap peas without the pesky strings, and luscious apples that won’t brown when sliced — a huge boon to school cafeteria matrons plagued by piles of fruit that students won’t eat unless it is cut up.

Well, of course no child with a lick of sense would eat an apple whole — there could be a razor blade in there!

This sounds like more of that Let’s Move crap the first lady is pushing, and it proves that scientists are in on the conspiracy to turn us all into homosexual biking-and-kale freaks, the same way they’re behind the climate-change hoax. Never trust a scientist, that’s what I always say. They’re just in it for the money. I mean, imagine if every American started buying broccoli the way we buy Coke. The Eastern Broccoli Project would be a frickin’ gold mine!

Not all the lefty vegetable worshippers approve of this project; some see it not as a government conspiracy but a corporate one. This Bjorkman fellow isn’t using any genetic modification in his quest to achieve mass-scale herbivorous hypnosis, but he is collaborating with the foodies’ favorite boogeyman, Monsanto:

“[I]t’s another example of Monsanto’s control of the food supply,” said Marion Nestle, a New York University nutrition professor and the author of “Food Politics.” “And that is a huge and legitimate question: Should one corporation have that level of control over things people depend on?”

Monsanto was first out of the gate with a heat-loving broccoli. It joined Mr. Bjorkman’s planting trials to test some of its varieties for heat tolerance and is now selling these seeds to farmers in Georgia. The company said it was aware of the concerns about consolidation in the industry and was striving to make its seeds available to small farmers and gardeners — an effort that Mr. Bjorkman embraces.

All I know is, anything Obama likes — broccoli, gays, birth control — can’t be good for society. I’m starting a vendetta against veggies — who’s with me?