I have to admit, I was shocked when I saw the headlines that American adults are now getting almost as many calories from booze as they get from soda — 5 percent and 6 percent of their daily intake, respectively. I mean, what have you people been DOING? Took you long enough to catch up.

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My views on this are a little skewed because my soda drinking levels are basically nil, while my booze is essentially at max. So I am frankly disappointed in whoever is skewing the averages by drinking all this soda and practically no alcohol at all. Mitt? Tagg? Get your shit together.

Anyway, I guess the CDC researchers who discovered this are not so thrilled, probably because calories from alcohol don’t strictly count as “food.” But on the other hand, we as a species have been drinking alcohol essentially since the dawn of civilization. Hell, in the Medieval period, didn’t people drink beer INSTEAD of water because it was safer? Whereas by contrast soda is a caustic chemical stew of suspiciously modern origins. Everyone knows you cannot trust any food invented later than agriculture, like for instance Twinkies or GMO corn.

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Here are some other interesting findings from the study:

  • Beer really is a dude drink. Women had no obvious favorite drink (so shut up about Cosmos, god), but men favored beer for sure.
  • The average man drinks 150 calories of booze daily (about the equivalent of a beer), while the average woman drinks 50 calories (half a glass of wine). Are we seriously worried about this? That’s like … an apple a day worth of calories. And it keeps the psychiatrist away.
  • A third of men and a fifth of women get calories from some kind of alcoholic beverage each day. (And no, drunkies, “a fifth of women” is not a new kind of second-debate-themed liquor.)

Anyway, if you enjoy moralizing to your friends and loved ones about empty calories, this should give you some fuel for your fire. Or you could just raise a glass, look soda straight in the eye, and say, “motherfucker, you’re going down.” I know which one’s gonna get me through Thanksgiving.