There is a guy in the town of Vernal, Utah, who is a conservative asshole. We’ll give you a minute to deal with that huge shock before moving on. OK, so basically this guy loves oil drilling so much — wow, what a renegade, he lives in a Republican town in a Republican state, and he loves oil drilling —  that he calls his business the I Love Drilling Juice and Smoothie Bar. Wait, aren’t juice and smoothie bars kind of Berkeley? Shouldn’t this guy be worried his own product will turn him commie and gay?

Anyway, he’s decided to charge liberals a dollar more per drink, apparently as a way of punishing them for not understanding the fiscal problem in this country. It’s like a tax, because liberals hate taxes.

No, wait. That’s conservatives. Anyway, a dollar more, just as a way of saying, “Hey, you might get away with living in a state overrun with redneck morons but you’re not going to get away with not paying a dollar more on this thing that if I really thought about it, the way I think about things, might make me gay.” (Hee hee. He sure “loves drilling.”)

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On the plus side, if you’re a member of the crew team, you get to pay a dollar less regardless of political persuasion, because crew team members promote oil, presumably through their public rejection of human-powered locomotion.

A look at the website revealed no juice or smoothie menu, but I did see a lot of dudes, and at least one woman, who “Love Drilling.” I saw no sign that any of the beverages on offer here were organic, so I think this surcharge might be largely theoretical, because really, a liberal drinking a non-organic smoothie? That’s about as likely as … a liberal living in Vernal, Utah, I guess.

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