That old saw that “nature is talking to you” has never been taken so literally since Disney’s Pocahontas got dating advice from a tree … until now. These videos are a campaign from Conservation International, making their premiere at the SXSW Eco festival in Austin this year. The punchline: Nature doesn’t need you. YOU are the needy one.

If it sounds like a break-up voicemail … well, that’s probably the point. Nature will only take so much of your crap before she changes the locks and kicks your Bitcoin collection down the garbage chute. And it hurts that much more when Julia Roberts says it.

And a personified Earth isn’t the only miffed omnipotent we should be worried about — is it just me or does this ocean sounds suspiciously like a sulky Indiana Jones after he mislaid the Ark that one time?

“I’m what they crawled out of,” the majestic stock footage mutters with the marine equivalent of Harrison Ford’s full-body sneer. “I don’t owe them a thing.”

Grist thanks its sponsors. Become one.

You can find the rest of the videos — including a very Francis Underwoodian rainforest and Edward Norton as literal dirthere.

Grist thanks its sponsors. Become one.