Maywong Photos

Guys, pandas’ sex lives are way more dramatic than we ever accounted for. Either that, or Mei Xiang, D.C.’s lady panda, is just kind of a ho. To improve her chance of having a baby, Mei Xiang just had a threesome with two dude pandas — or at least their sperm. A National Zoo veterinarian had Mei Xiang do the freaky three-way artificial insemination tango, a term we just made up if anyone wants to put it in Urban Dictionary.

The Huffington Post explains:

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A Chinese veterinarian performed artificial insemination twice on 14-year-old Mei Xiang on March 30. For the first procedure, semen from the National Zoo’s male panda Tian Tian was used; for the second, a mix of semen from Tian Tian and Gao Gao of the San Diego Zoo was used.

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And now … she might be pregnant. And SHE DOESN’T KNOW WHO THE FATHER IS. (Or whether to go on Maury or not.) Tian Tian has promised to be in the cub’s life; Gao Gao’s staying far away in San Diego. The zoo will have to run a paternity test to find out … WHO’S THE BABY DADDY??

There might be tears. There might be drama. There might be chairs thrown. But given what Mei Xiang’s been through, we just hope she has a healthy baby — she’ll certainly have plenty of support in raising it, albeit from the same vets who led her astray. We see a cheesy-happy ending to this story … after this commercial.