The good people at Pornhub are a green-minded and innovative bunch indeed, and as such are quite concerned about the amount of energy that goes into streaming Welcome to the O.C., Bitch 1-7 to millions of screens all across the world. Enter the “Wankband,” which is a wristband that will ideally generate enough “dirty energy” — I GET IT! I get it. — to charge your various devices while you jack off.

Like any reasonable person, I have a lot of questions about the Wankband. Let’s acknowledge, to start, that it’s awfully male-focused — which makes a lot of sense, as the porn industry caters to men far more than it does to women. A 2013 Pew survey found that of internet users, 25 percent of men and 8 percent of women reported watching porn online — and honestly, both of those numbers seems really low.

So, because I am nothing if not a dedicated journalist, I quickly sought the opinion of a few different men I know on the purported effectiveness of the Wankband.


Me:  what do you think of a watch that generates energy when you masturbate
Guy 1: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
Me:  i mean, i did not come up with this
it is a real thing
Guy 1:  And then what, you can create enough charge to plug in your iphone, instead of into the wall?
Me:  that is exactly the example they provide, yes
Guy 1:  You’d have to keep the rate of wanking high just to keep the damn porn on
Guy 1:  I can’t imagine this actually being in any way useful


Guy 2:  wait
what
why is that a thing
how much would you have to masturbate to have it even be effective
Me:  that is an excellent question
it’s only in beta
Guy 2:  I can’t even conceive of why that became an idea
Guy 2:  I guess the idea that you’d shoehorn energy creation into masturbation completely misses the point of masturbation, which is to forget about literally everything else to satisfy yourself for a few minutes
that you’d have to go put on your masturbation watch before you do it should kill the mood for you


Guy 3:  i’m wondering when you’d have time to look at it if you’re as avid a masturbater as is probably required to keep it functional
is it like the Nest learning thermostat?
beeps at 8:39pm to let you know
Me:  you’re not the first person to raise this issue
Guy 3:  it’s a concern


There you go. If you are someone who masturbates literally all of the time, because that seems to be the only person who could actually get any use out of this thing, you can sign up to be a beta tester here. Good luck and God bless.