As the world heats up, it will be increasingly important to have itty-bitty swimsuits to wear (under your voluminous poncho, of course, once the ozone layer crumbles and turns sunlight to poison). So what swimwear best prepares you for an apocalyptic climate-altered future, while simultaneously being low-impact and sustainable? Whatever, that’s a boring question; here is the swimwear that does it WORST.

1. Solar bikini

Of all the eco-friendly swimwear we’ve seen, this is the only one that can also charge your iPod. Which you’re going to need on your post-peak-oil, Mad Max beach vacation. Sure, it looks stiff, metallic, and uncomfortable, like bondage gear for C3PO. But what’s more important: comfort, or being able to charge your phone off your nipple?

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2. Compostable bikini

We’re kinda sorry to make you look at this image (even the model is going “can you believe this shit?”), but it’s crucial for fully understanding the stupidity of the compostable bikini. Designer Linda Loudermilk intended them as limited-use disposable clothing, like doctor’s office gowns but somehow even more hideously unflattering.

3. Recycled Speedo

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Ah yes, the banana hammock, nature’s finest contraceptive. LowTee’s men’s suits are made out of T-shirts (with or without rhinestone spangling), so you’re not just showing off your buns and reducing waste — you’re also advertising your devotion to Linkin Park, Home Depot, or Seussical. (LowTee seems to have a fairly firm grasp on how ridiculous its wares are — there’s no way the photo above was staged without irony — so I have to say I’m a fan.)

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