Jon, honey, please sit down. We need to talk. We’ve had it good of late. Real good. We’ve taken on the Koch brothers, an idiotic climate-denying congress, and so much more together. Even Ebola made us stronger. I love you more than I ever have.

But I can’t live a lie anymore, Jon Stewart. I know you’ve seen me around town … with him. John. No, that other John. Please! Sit! Let me finish. I love your folksy, übermensch approach to shining the light of justice. You still make this climate hawk’s heart go all aflutter. But I need … more. Like, Muppet eyebrows, a sexy British accent, impeccably pressed plaid dress shirts — OK, I gotta stop. It’s getting hot in here.

Yes! It’s John Oliver! Your old best friend and Daily Show roomie! I’m sorry, and I know this feels like betrayal. Look, it started as a little Bill-Nye-climate-debate flirtation, and before we knew it we were making eyes over the climate-denying American Legislative Exchange Council’s undue influence on elections and, well — I don’t need to really tell you it ended up at a Motel 6 off Highway 38 (what? Continental breakfast!).

ALEC sounds like the name of a high-school lacrosse player who just got baked and wrecked his dad’s Saab. But incredibly, it’s even worse. […] I’m going to list ALEC in the credits for our show as associate producer of creating horrifying things for us to talk about. Great work, ALEC! See you at the end-of-season wrap party, you pieces of shit!

See? We can’t live without him. We can’t live without you. Now, I have just one last request to ask you, and I really want you to hear me out: Threesome?