Heirloom tomatoes: hot. Kale: hip. Brussels sprouts: dead sexy, especially with parmesan. But celery? Not so. In this characteristically bizarre yet amusing Portlandia sketch, a teaser for the new season, watch Steve Buscemi struggle to make celery the new “it” food — OR LOSE EVERYTHING:

Celery, as Carrie Brownstein’s character points out, is kind of a hard sell. “It’s full of soluble AND insoluble fiber! You don’t understand — that’s very hard on the digestive system,” she tells Buscemi. On the plus side, it’s also rich in vitamins K and A, which can help keep skin, eyes, and bones healthy.

Too bad Buscemi didn’t know that celery’s an aphrodisiac — or at least the ancient Romans thought so. “It contains the pheromone androsterone, released by men’s sweat glands to attract females,” attests the U.K. Express. Adds food writer Amy Reiley:

Celery is said to stimulate the pituitary gland, which is key in releasing sexual hormones … As far back as the Middle Ages, the power of celery was well understood, according to a quote unearthed in the Eighteenth Century by Grimod de la Reyniere, “It is enough to stress that [celery] is not in any way a salad for bachelors.” … [And] raw celery root has been used for centuries as a cure for impotence.

Nothing like a nice firm stalk!