Charlotte Lücking
Asteroids are just like giant beach umbrellas!

In case you’re worried about the fact that the Earth’s temperature might rise as much as 11.5 degrees by 2100, well, you should really relax. Everything is totally cool! And we mean that LITERALLY. Because we are all going to find shade under this giant asteroid.

No really. They’re using asteroids for everything now. They’re going to get minerals from asteroids. When the Earth turns to stone we will plant wheat in aster — wait. That won’t work. Well, we are going to get minerals from them and we’re totally going to get shade from them, for real.

So the way that this works — and “work” is perhaps a very strong word here, though we hope not, since we like being alive — is that we will explode an asteroid and it will turn into dust and that dust will surround the planet and act as a sort of protective cover from the sun. You know, like the dust cloud that might have killed the dinosaurs, only on purpose, and only enough to blot out SOME of the sun instead of plunging the Earth into eternal night.

We know what you’re thinking: That sounds really complicated. Why don’t we just try to reduce carbon omissions? Well, because frankly, global sunscreen made of smashed asteroid is more plausible.

In un-sarcastic fairness, the asteroid dust could in theory reduce solar radiation by about 6.6 percent  – not enough to stop global warming but enough to slow it down, giving us time to get that whole “reducing carbon emissions” thing down and don’t have to think up crazy band-aid asteroid shit to keep us alive until we manage it.