The National Oceanic and Atmospheric Association (NOAA) has released its outlook for summer temperatures, and, in the words of the American poet Nelly: It’s getting hot in herre.

Temperatures all across the country are facing increased odds for well above average summer temps: From Seattle to Sag Harbor, boob sweat and swamp ass will abound. The only exceptions in these United States are South Dakota, Nebraska, and Kansas — so pack your bags, babies! We’re heading to Omaha.


Beside the basic discomfort of hot-as-balls weather, exceptionally high temperatures are bad news for things like drought, wildfire, and curly hair. This could mean an especially difficult year for parts of California and the Southwest that are already suffering from years of high temps and low precipitation.

Howard Diamond, scientist at NOAA, put it this way:

“Yes, parts of California already under severe drought could again be in for more of the same.” But, he adds, “Please also remember that the climate outlooks below for June-July-August are just that — outlooks. They are not specific forecasts, but based on past climatology, and models give us a possible snapshot of what conditions will most likely be like.”

In other words, it looks bad, but there’s always a chance that the predictions are off and the drought is over and there will be no more wildfires and we’ll all be blissfully basking in 70 degree days for the next three months.

Here’s hoping.