Using meat as “buns.” Adding an extra sandwich — or two. Making anything a “footlong.”
What results from these tricks of the fast food world aren’t examples of food; they’re freak gimmicks of a cheap’n’easy system of calorie production. But that doesn’t stop hoards of people from gobbling them up with glee and extra “special sauce” dribbling down their chins.
Chain restaurants usually offer their Frankenfood inventions for “a limited time only,” but the effects on people’s health and on the health of the planet stick around for a lot longer. Feast your eyes on some of the most recent food bastards and let us know in the comments area below what creations we might have missed.
KFC Double Down
In the run-up to its much-rumored release, the Double Down was hailed with the words: “It’s real.” While this legendary, lard-laden fast food creation needs no explaining, we still feel a little upchuck coming on every time we run across it.
Some cheeky vegans got a hold of the Double Down and turned it into an animal-free meal with a much more apt tagline: “It’s fake.”
Photo courtesy of Rami via flickr
The bastard child of Krispy Kreme and KFC
Imitation my be the sincerest form of flattery, but when it means squeezing a Double Down between two Krispy Kreme doughnuts, it’s the sincerest form of fattery. A commentator on The Consumerist recently featured this creation: a Double Down sandwiched between two Krispy Kreme Cheerwine doughnuts. It’s the perfect culinary combination of sugar, fried dough, fried chicken, bacon, and cheese.
Friendly’s Grilled Cheese Burger Melt
Recently featured on Grist’s WTFood, Friendly’s Grilled Cheeseburger Melt may be one of the most heart-stopping fast food industry hybrids yet. Taking a cue from KFC, Friendly’s opted to ditch the traditional burger buns in favor of two whole grilled cheese sandwiches. It’s like a future heart attack sandwiched between memories of a chubby childhood.
IHOP Pancake Stackers
The battle royale continues as IHOP — not to be outdone by KFC or Friendly’s — throws their Pancake Stackers into the chunking-out-America challenge. This, okay, disgusting delicacy starts with the breakfast house’s popular pancakes, then adds cheesecake, whipped cream, and strawberry compote on top.
What would a well-rounded breakfast be if it didn’t make you, well … rounded?
PRNewsFoto/SONIC, America’s Drive-In
SONIC Introduces New Footlong Quarter Pound Coney
My lifelong dream of eating a quarter-pound foot-long chili-topped hot dog can now become reality thanks to your new Footlong Quarter Pound Coney.
Now, anyone can go to SONIC and buy this beef and pork monstrosity topped with chili and melty, melty cheese for a mere $2.99! My heart will beat for you until the day it stops (because you clogged my arteries), Footlong Quarter Pound Coney.
Carl’s Jr. Footlong cheeseburger
Not to be out-grossed by SONIC, Carl’s Jr. has come out with its own super-sized feature: the Carl’s Jr. Footlong cheeseburger. Although the meat is not actually one foot-long, but rather two smaller patties set side by side in the special long buns, we’re still mesmerized by this greasy burger-sub sandwich hybrid.
We know what you’re thinking: you’ll avoid the bigger, fatter, longer drive-thru fare by ordering a salad instead, an option now in most fast food shops. But buyers beware — even seemingly low-cal salads can be waist-wideners. As it turns out, some of these token “healthy options” can actually be much worse for you and your ticker.
Take Wendy’s Chicken BLT Salad with Honey Dijon Dressing. It packs a whopping 720 calories, 51 grams of fat, and 1,540 milligrams of sodium. That’s almost enough to make the Double Down look like the smarter choice. Toss those salads … while trying not to toss your cookies.
Our advice? Stay far, far away from the drive-thru universe if you can — no one is safe in a world where footlong cheeseburgers and thousand-calorie salads grace the menus.