1. Miss environmentality

    The newly crowned Miss Rhode Island has taped up her boobies, Vaselined her teeth, and strutted her stuff in a swimsuit and heels — all in the service of fighting global warming. The tiara’d staffer for the Harvard Green Campus Initiative says it’s all part of her plan to push the issue in front of millions of viewers at the Miss America pageant in 2007. Bring on the slumber party!

    Photo: Judith Potter, Potter Photography.

  2. Once upon a time in Hollywood

    Protecting the earth — and coincidentally protecting your magisterial view — is the new black in the celeb world. First there was David Duchovny. Now, Johnny Depp has sued West Hollywood for violating eco-quality laws by approving a new development near his H-wood estate. The view from his terrace? Irrelevant!

    Photo: George Pimentel/WireImage.com

  3. Penis-cides

    Suburbanites deciding whether to put pesticides on their lawns face a new dilemma: Those pesticides could lower the fertility of their teenage boys, who are too damn fertile anyway. But then again, they could shrink the penises of their infants, and what father wants to condemn his boy to a future un-hung? Vexing.

    Photo: iStockphoto.

  4. The forbidden Hoot

    Right-wing websites are all aflutter over Hoot, a new movie featuring mischievous preteens attempting to save beleaguered owls by sabotaging the work of law-breaking Florida developers. Calling it “soft-core eco-terrorism,” they deplore the message that it’s OK to break the law. For kids, that is. Everybody knows it’s OK for developers.

    Photo: USFWS.

  5. West Coast chompers

    Long Beach Monster Garage gearhead Jesse James has a monster appetite, but he prefers food that doesn’t make him feel “all fat and sick.” Reasonable. Sensing he’s not the only one, James and his (seriously?) wife Sandra Bullock opened Cisco Burger, an organic, solar-powered burger joint. Complete with plenty of hog parking.